Even after deliberately deciding I would write today, there’s still a lingering hesitation as my fingers stroke the keyboard. There’s a level of intimacy to this story, but it’s in this place that my Father…my God made a promise to me. On April 12th, 2016, I saw a heartbeat within me that was not my own.
“In the morning, LORD, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly.” Psalm 5:3
Two days prior, I was stressfully working on a talk that I was supposed to give later that month. I knew things had been “off” in my body for the past few days, and I was certain if I just took a pregnancy test, my period would start just like it always had after momentarily getting my hopes up, taking a test, then going into a sob of disappointment. However, a positive sign I had never seen before appeared in my hand. Convinced it was defective, I took another one. Another positive. It had been over a year since we’d seen our doctors for fertility assistance, tired of the draining toll to our emotions and our wallet.
But God. God decided two days later to show me that He heard my cries. He showed me that He is the Great Physician. I sat in disbelief in the doctor’s office as I watched a heartbeat other than my own flicker consistently on the monitor. It was hard to see it at first as I shook with laughter and tears.
I know you see me
I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store – Hillary Scott
But God. One week later, the heartbeat could not be seen. Sitting in the doctor’s office for a weekly monitoring of progress, I sat in silence as the ultrasound technician explained that the doctor would explain everything on the monitor. Though it hadn’t happened yet, I was miscarrying. Four days later it finally happened. I was mailed a Beanie Baby of a lamb as a condolence offering for my loss.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9
“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7
When I think back on those events, my mind doesn’t think about the miscarriage. My mind and my spirit go back to that heartbeat. A covenant that God made with me that whether on earth or in Heaven, the Lord made good on His promise that I would be a mommy. My mind and my spirit also go back to that week of hopefulness that I was able to experience being pregnant. Filled with excitement about possibilities of my child’s future, I started to plan how we would share God’s miracle with family and friends. Would he/she play tennis like mommy? Would he/she be a lawyer like daddy? What nicknames would each set of grandparents probably want?
Even if I am never to be an earthly mommy, I will never take for granted that week I was filled with hope, enthusiasm, and a freedom convinced that God had Sheena on His mind all along. It is part of my own sanctification journey that I continue to live with the same level of joy and hope that He gave me during that blessed week of promise and life within me. Thank you, Lord, for April 12th.
“And if not…He is still good.” Daniel 3:18
Father God, I pray that anyone reading this today would walk away with a hope and understanding of Your sovereign will for their lives. Lord, we know that You grieve with us during our heartaches, but You are also the Master of creating beauty from ashes. Lord, help us to live with a hope and a vigor remembering that no matter what, You are a good Father because You gave us the ultimate gift of salvation. Help us to daily align our hearts desires with Your Word. Lord, I pray that You would give comfort and clear communication to all those who cry out to You.
We thank You always for Your grace, mercy, and ultimate gift of salvation. Amen